Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
