i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Randomize
