Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
