I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
