You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
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