standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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