hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
