girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Randomize
