if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Randomize
