If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
Too much gin, very little bucket
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Randomize
