kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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