I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
