I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Randomize
