I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize
