Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Randomize
