dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
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