i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
