Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
