Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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