My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
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