My sheets look like a crime scene.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
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