I wish I could teleport
the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
