I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
