The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
