The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
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