I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I hope this doesn't change things. I feel that me being a minor made it more exciting.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Randomize
