so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Randomize
