Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
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