I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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