Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Randomize
