I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
