she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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