If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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