the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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