just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
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