I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
