i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
