I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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