woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Randomize
