So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Randomize
