i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Randomize
