Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
