If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
