My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
