so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Randomize
