I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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