forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
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