I could make wine with my vomit
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
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