isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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