So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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