mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
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