paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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