dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
